My mom spent more than half her life being known as Mrs. Mancusi--her married name. So it's not a total surprise, I suppose, that after getting divorced after more than thirty years of marriage, she decided to keep her name as is, instead of going back to her maiden name.
But is that simply a generational thing? Are women today less likely to stick with the name they took from their ex? And how do you go about making that decision--especially if kids are involved? We asked Susan Pease Gadoua, LCSW, divorce specialist and author of Stronger Day by Day. She says there are several determining factors:
The length of the marriage - If a woman was married all or most of her adult life, she is likely to continue using her married name. If she is young or the marriage was short, she is more likely to revert to her maiden name. The conditions under which they are divorcing - If the husband was abusive, she is less likely to keep his name. Kids- Those who have children often keep their spouse's name for the sake of simplicity at school events, for example. Which name is
easier to remember - If her last name is Muterspaugh but her husband's last name is Brown, she's more likely to keep his last name. "Changing a name is a relatively simple task if one has no resistance to the task," Gadoua says. "If the woman procrastinates or somehow finds it a very challenging task, then there is likely more going on than meets the eye - usually ambivalence about the name change, sadness that the marriage is over, resistance to loss of status or identity."
Of course having kids in the mix complicates things a bit further. "For those who do want to revert back to their given name, I think it's fairly simple to explain in age-appropriate language that you are changing your name back to the name you were born with," Gadoua suggests, "but that it doesn't mean you are less related or that you will be separating in other ways from the kids."
Sometimes--especially in the case of a more messy divorce--it's the ex-husband or his family that might be putting pressure on you. But Gadoua says don't give in to something you don't feel comfortable with. At the end of the day, it's your legal choice. "It's really the woman's prerogative to keep the name of not, so how the others feel about it is not something that generally impacts her decision," she says. "It would be in the husband/family's best interest to try to get over the fact that she has continued to use the family name."
And lastly what if you've been using your married name in a professional capacity? Maybe you own a business or are a prominent partner in a law firm. Will it confuse people and hurt your business if you suddenly switch names?
It definitely could, says Gadoua. "It can be not only confusing to clients or customers, it can mean a loss of business," she explains. "Given that we look people up by their last names, if that name is gone, the ability to find her diminishes drastically."
But, she adds, it's not a total lost cause. It'll just require a bit of extra effort to rebrand yourself with your new name and get all your old associates and clients on board.
Gadoua's last piece of advice? While there's no right or wrong answer, don't make the decision hastily. "I do recommend that women wait at least 90 days before taking action on the decision since feelings can change drastically from one minute to the next following divorce," she says. "It's probably best to wait until the emotional dust has settled before making big or permanent decisions such as selling the house, buying a new place, or changing your name."
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